A divided heart

I read on a blog some counsel that a pastor offered to a couple whose girl was stillborn the day before her due date. The pastor said that it was important for the family to recognize that as a family they have two desires that are separate and distinct. There is one desire to have their daughter with them. That the hole in their lives left by the loss of their daughter is unique and will not be filled by anything else, not another child, not time, not some revelation about what God is up to. There is another desire that is the desire for more children and having another child, be it through having another biological child or through adoption is totally separate and distinct form the first. The first is not diminished in any way or made "all better" by fulfilling, or thinking about fulfilling, the second.

That was an important truth for me to hear, because I so did not want another child to replace Joshua and the thought of having more children sometimes made me feel guilty as if I was in some way betraying him. It was helpful for me to hear that I can grieve the loss of my son and wonder where is the redemption in his death and still invite another person in our lives.

Especially in the coming weeks, I know that truth will hit home in a new way. It is important for me to not feel that I'm doing something wrong by celebrating and being joyful over the birth of our second daughter. It is equally important for me to not feel that I'm doing something wrong by still grieving his loss and wishing Joshua was here with us to welcome her into our family.

It is an interesting paradox that we will welcome our daughter into the world likely days within the one year anniversary of the day that we lost Joshua. This truth has really helped me as I think about facing those two days with a divided heart.

Grace and peace.