Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Come together

Well, I think I've finally made the jump I talked about a few months back to merging this blog into my family blog. I'll leave this one up, but from here on out I think I'll be posing things that would have previously gone here on there.

I appreciate those of you who've read my crazy and rambling thoughts here and especially those of you who have commented or emailed me and hope you'll continue to check in on us through our family blog.

Grace and peace.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Life in the new year

I haven't posted in a while partly because I haven't had the time, but mostly because I haven't had the words.  The anniversary of Joshua's loss came and went on December 6th.  It was a hard day in some ways.  It was a reminder that the pain never quite goes away; I think it just hides for a while sometimes, and then returns, changed, but not gone.  I visited his grave and brought Caroline and Charlotte with me - it was sad, there's no other way to describe it - but at the same time there is this pervasive joy in our lives now with Charlotte's arrival.  There was definitely something "not right" though about visiting the grave one child no longer here with a new life, only one week old at that point.  It is interesting though how Joshua will always be a part of my life, my story, and also in this sad and joyful way, a part of Charlotte's story.  

While I don't quite know how to describe life and my feelings on our loss right now, I do know that with the loss of Joshua came a sense of gratefulness for everything we get.  Waking up to feed a baby in the night, soothing her cries, and figuring out how to juggle life with two girls is not the stress or burden it might have once been.  There is joy in the gift of life and all that comes with it.  I miss our boy and often wonder what life would be like if he was here, and at the same time, I am taking in every moment of my life because of him and the realization that he brought that each of those moments is truly such a gift   

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Charlotte entered the world on November 29, 2008 at 2:18 pm.  She weighed 6 lbs. 3 ozs and was 18 1/2 inches long.  You can read more about her here.  

Grace and peace.  

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Lately it has crossed my mind that as this baby gets ever closer to arriving and as it gets close to that one year anniversary of losing Joshua that it might be time for me to "merge" Joshua's blog into our family blog.

I needed a separate place to put down all of thoughts and feelings for a while, I'm not sure if I can explain why, but it somehow seems more "right" to stop posting these parts of life in separate places. I'll see if I still feel that way in a couple of weeks. For now, I am remembering this time last year as the last few days that he was still a part of me. At the same time I am looking forward to this Saturday as the day we will welcome a baby girl into the world. The weird intertwining of it all is what makes it seem like I should somehow find a way to put all of these parts of me together in one place; spiritually, emotionally, and in the case of these blogs: physically. Again, we'll see if that feeling persists in the days and weeks to come.

No matter what I decide to do, this story is far from over! God is working in and through us and the blessings and tragedies that he allows to come our way.

Grace and peace.

Monday, November 3, 2008


Whenever I see articles in magazines or online about miscarriage and stillbirth I am, understandably, drawn to them. I want to see what other peoples' experiences have been and what are they trying to tell other people through their writing. As I read a magazine article in some rare quiet time yesterday, I knew I wanted to share it with others and I found it online today.

The article really took me off guard a bit by how close to home it hit. Today it's been 11 months to the day since we found out at that awful ultrasound appointment that Joshua had died. I can say that without crying uncontrollably now and I often go weeks at a time without getting overly emotional about our loss, so I guess the depths at which this article struck me caught me off guard because I have felt so "together" in so many ways in the past couple of months. Remembering is good though and I need to be brought back into the reality of loss without losing sight of our impending joy. The intermingling of the two is where I am caught right now and I think reading this article made me think more seriously about the coming days where that will be become more and more "real". In all likelihood, our baby girl will be born just days before the one year anniversary of the day Joshua was stillborn.

Here's the link to the article.
And here's a link to a related piece in the same magazine.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A divided heart

I read on a blog some counsel that a pastor offered to a couple whose girl was stillborn the day before her due date. The pastor said that it was important for the family to recognize that as a family they have two desires that are separate and distinct. There is one desire to have their daughter with them. That the hole in their lives left by the loss of their daughter is unique and will not be filled by anything else, not another child, not time, not some revelation about what God is up to. There is another desire that is the desire for more children and having another child, be it through having another biological child or through adoption is totally separate and distinct form the first. The first is not diminished in any way or made "all better" by fulfilling, or thinking about fulfilling, the second.

That was an important truth for me to hear, because I so did not want another child to replace Joshua and the thought of having more children sometimes made me feel guilty as if I was in some way betraying him. It was helpful for me to hear that I can grieve the loss of my son and wonder where is the redemption in his death and still invite another person in our lives.

Especially in the coming weeks, I know that truth will hit home in a new way. It is important for me to not feel that I'm doing something wrong by celebrating and being joyful over the birth of our second daughter. It is equally important for me to not feel that I'm doing something wrong by still grieving his loss and wishing Joshua was here with us to welcome her into our family.

It is an interesting paradox that we will welcome our daughter into the world likely days within the one year anniversary of the day that we lost Joshua. This truth has really helped me as I think about facing those two days with a divided heart.

Grace and peace.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Right after Joshua died last December, Jeff started reading through the Old Testament book of Joshua. He found a lot of encouragement and insight, as well as comfort and some truth he needed to hear. A few weeks back, I decided that I'd like to read through the book as well. It is a book with stories I think most Christians are familiar with and I'm trying to re-introduce myself to some the OT stories that I haven't spent much time with in recent years.

Early in the book of Joshua, there is an account that focuses on the spies Joshua sends to Jericho to scope out the city before the Israelites were going to take the area. Joshua 2:1 tells us that the spies went to the house of a prostitute named Rahab to stay while they were there. If your Sunday School lessons were anything like mine, the teacher always made a point to say that the spies went to stay in Rahab's house because it was such a good place to hide and they wouldn't be conspicuous there. Your Bible study notes might say the same thing, and for all I know that might be true. But, what if it's not? The Bible itself doesn't say so one way or the other. I'm not saying that my Sunday School teachers or your study notes are wrong, but I can't say with certainty that they are right.

Reading that got me thinking for the first time that maybe the spies' intentions in staying at Rahab's house were less than honorable, perhaps staying there was not part of a bigger plan to elude the authorities. What if they were there for the reason all the other men who walked through that door were there?

If you go on reading the account of the spies in Jericho, you read that the King found out there were spies in the land and went to Rahab's house to call the spies. The spied hid on the roof and Rahab lied for them and said that they had already escaped. We learn that Rahab lied to her King because she knew about the God of the Israelites and she believed in Him. We can't know what Rahad had heard about this God of the Israelites and what she believed about Him, but we know her convictions about Him was strong enough that she lied to the King of her city and endangered her own life to protect the spies. In return, the spies promised to spare Rahab and her family when the Israelites returned to take the city. God used this prostitute who believed in Him to hide the spies for His Nation and ultimately spared her life and made her a part of His bigger plan.

So, going back to those spies and their intentions on entering Rahab's house: it is amazing that God can redeem ANYTHING for His purpose. He can redeem and use two men who possibly went to use the services of a prostitute and protected all of their lives in the process and allowed all of that to be worked into His plan. If you continue reading Joshua, you see how true that is and how that thread of redemption is woven throughout.

It's honestly eye-opening to see how God worked thousands of years ago. It is the same way he works today. He can redeem the mistakes and the disobedience that I bring to the table as well as the pain and hurt that the fallen world bring.

I want to end with a disclaimer to say that I honestly have no clue as to why those men went to Rahab's house, so I'm not trying to disparage the story or how God worked in it. I'm simply reminded by all of the unknowns that God can use anything and work it for good.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Angie Smith has a great post, much more eloquent that mine on the same story - albeit from a different perspective. You can see that here.