A Grief Observed

The seminal book ( or at least one of them) on grieving as a believer has to be A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Lewis writes the very intimate details of his grief following the loss of his wife; his thoughts on God and His place in that loss, his thoughts on faith and grief in general. While I do think it is true the each person grieves in a different way, there is a commonality in grief. Lewis lost a wife, I lost a son, another may have lost a parent, but Lewis' words resonate deeply. I'm going to quote from the book here:

"What sort of lover am I to think so much about my affliction and so much less about hers? Even the insane call, 'Come back,' is all for my own sake. I never even raised the question whether such a return, if it were possible, would be good for her. I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past. Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again? They call Stephen the first martyr. Hadn't Lazarus the rawer deal?"

Of course the self-centered nature of grieving a loss is natural and, in my mind, right. I wouldn't be human if I was instantly happy for the gain of the one I've lost. Heaven has gained something, Joshua has gained everything, but as a mother, I've lost something very precious - is there anything more precious here on earth than a new life?

We went to visit Joshua's grave on Easter Sunday. It was the first time we have ever been there as a family - Jeff, Caroline, and me. Caroline is the consummate two year old. Every other minute, she's asking "what's that?" As we entered the gates of the cemetery, Caroline said, "what's dis?" I said, "we are at the cemetery, Caroline." She then pointed to the grave markers and said, "what's dat?" I said, "Those are graves Caroline." She pointed at others and asked the same question again. Jeff tried to explain a grave in as simple as possible of an explanation. The explanation satisfied her and as we stopped the car, she asked where we were going. I said, "we are going to visit Joshua's grave." She said, "He go to Baby Jesus." Not a question, a statement. I'm not sure where she got that from, but I know it wasn't from her parents. The more time I spend with this precious little person God has given us, I am keenly aware of the truth that comes with innocence.

We're trying to strike a delicate balance of acknowledging Joshua as part of our family, but not trying to expose Caroline too much to that which she cannot understand. I think that will be an on-going process in our lives for now, but I suppose our first family trip to his grave is a start. As Jeff and I put flowers out and cleaned his grave marker (and Caroline helped clean for a while) and then prayed, she commenced doing what she does best - playing. She collected a bunch of sticks and made a stack right next to his grave; her way of "doing something"? It was a beautiful day.