Life in the new year

I haven't posted in a while partly because I haven't had the time, but mostly because I haven't had the words.  The anniversary of Joshua's loss came and went on December 6th.  It was a hard day in some ways.  It was a reminder that the pain never quite goes away; I think it just hides for a while sometimes, and then returns, changed, but not gone.  I visited his grave and brought Caroline and Charlotte with me - it was sad, there's no other way to describe it - but at the same time there is this pervasive joy in our lives now with Charlotte's arrival.  There was definitely something "not right" though about visiting the grave one child no longer here with a new life, only one week old at that point.  It is interesting though how Joshua will always be a part of my life, my story, and also in this sad and joyful way, a part of Charlotte's story.  

While I don't quite know how to describe life and my feelings on our loss right now, I do know that with the loss of Joshua came a sense of gratefulness for everything we get.  Waking up to feed a baby in the night, soothing her cries, and figuring out how to juggle life with two girls is not the stress or burden it might have once been.  There is joy in the gift of life and all that comes with it.  I miss our boy and often wonder what life would be like if he was here, and at the same time, I am taking in every moment of my life because of him and the realization that he brought that each of those moments is truly such a gift