Tuesday

This past Tuesday, April 22 was Joshua's expected due date. It was a sad day for us in a lot of ways. Jeff and I both took the day off of work and spent time together at home and then went to visit his grave. The day was also an illustration of how badly Satan wants to tear us apart from one another and from God.

I went to the store to buy some flowers for Joshua's grave and my debit card was denied. I knew that couldn't be right. First of all, the flowers only cost ten dollars. Secondly, I had looked at our account two days earlier and we weren't close to being overdrawn. I went home and told Jeff what had happened and he got in touch with the bank to try to find out what was going on. We of course then got into an argument about money. I won't go into the details, mainly because it is so silly now looking back on it. Suffice it to say that on a day we should have been clinging to the only other person who might know how we felt, we pushed each other away, even if only for a short while. Turns out that the bank made a huge, huge mistake and they credited our account. After an hour or so, everything was fine financially speaking.

The picture was painted for me though when it came to the reality of the two vastly different trajectories we can take in each of the things we go through.
Will I let hurt and sin push me away into my own solitude? Will I stick close to those I love?
Will I doubt? Will I trust?
Will I protect myself? Will I love?

Living life in the former of each of those is tiring and difficult; it is a trap. Living life in the latter can be painful and difficult; but it is freeing.

In the title of my blog, I say that I know our story will be one of redemption. I am not sure I had any idea what that meant when I wrote it, nor do I now exactly how it will look in my life. I know what it does not look like though - I'll talk more about that soon - but one thing I've learned or been reminded of in the past week is what redemption truly is. It is not primarily about me or my life, but about Christ and His life, death, and resurrection. Paying the price so that I may know the joy of the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. Even in the midst of tragedy.

This quote says it well for me: "Christ saves us neither by the mere exercise of power, nor by his doctrine, nor by his example, nor by the moral influence which he exerted, nor by any subjective influence on his people, whether natural or mystical, but as a satisfaction to divine justice, as an expiation for sin, and as a ransom from the curse and authority of the law, thus reconciling us to God by making it consistent with his perfection to exercise mercy toward sinners" Hodge's Systematic Theology.

UPDATE: After posting this, I read a blog post that explained so well many of the thoughts and prayers going on in me lately. I long for everything to be "made right", and I won't stop waiting for it, but life tells me that this side of Heaven things will not be right, even if for a moment they seem to be. You can read it here.