Redemption

I said a while back that I would post about what redemption does not look like because then, and still now, I am not quite sure what it does look like in light of losing a baby. In the large and most important sense, redemption means that because of the life, death, and resurreciton of Christ I am made whole and right before God. In the individual circumstances of each of our lives though, what does redemption really look like? That's the part I'm not sure about.

Because I am the sort of person that I am and I just turned 30, so I think I've settled into myself and I am okay with that, I had to see what Webster has to say about redemption. Here you go:

redeem

Main Entry:
re·deem
Pronunciation:
\ri-ˈdēm\

Function:
transitive verb

Etymology:
Middle English redemen, from Anglo-French redemer, modification of Latin redimere, from re-, red- re- + emere to take, buy; akin to Lithuanian imti to take

Date:
15th century
1 a: to buy back : repurchase b: to get or win back
2: to free from what distresses or harms: as a: to free from captivity by payment of ransom b: to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental c: to release from blame or debt : clear d: to free from the consequences of sin
3: to change for the better : reform
4: repair, restore
5 a: to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby b (1): to remove the obligation of by payment (2): to exchange for something of value c: to make good : fulfill
6 a: to atone for : expiate b (1): to offset the bad effect of (2): to make worthwhile : retrieve

synonyms see rescue

After reading these definitions, it is somewhat clearer to me. I don't think that Joshua's death will be redeemed for me this side of Heaven. Of course, he is "repaired", "resotred", "free". But in me, that part that is him, isn't. Maybe one day I'll feel differently, but for now it still feels lost.

This reality has been brought home in a new and raw way in the past few weeks. I hesitated sharing this now on here, because I've gotten emails and comments from women going through similar and not so similar losses, but it's my reality and truth, so I feel like I should. We are expecting another baby. The way the timing on this baby and Joshua coincide is what made me so aware that the restoration I'm looking for might not happen the way I thought it would. I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks before Joshua's expected due date. That alone was a little hard. I was so nervous about the outcome of this pregnancy and at the same time I was mourning the death of a child who should have been in my arms. December 12th is our due date for baby #3, which adds another interesting dimension to my life; I delivered Joshua on December 6 of last year. Still, the joy of the possibility of birth doesn't diminish the reality of one who was lost. That's where the redemption in this evades me.

All of this is to say, I am so excited and looking forward to having another baby, though the dark reality that anything can happen at any time is lurking next to that excitement. All looks good with this child so far; we had an early ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, a strong 158. I heard the heartbeat again last week at a doctor's appointment. Those sounds and sights have been needed reassurance for me, and though I wish I could trust and be confident without them, I have a sense that God knows I need them and they are gifts from Him. At least that's what I'm telling myself right now.

I am thankful and in awe and bewildered by the fact that the son we wish was here is now more perfect than I. He is in the presence of the One I try to wrap me mind and heart around. He knows Him in a way I do not. There is redemption there, for him and there is honestly joy in that for me. Part of my heart though still feels a little lost, a little unreparied, a little unrestored.

Grace and peace.