Micah 7:7

I read something earlier today that captured the sentiment I was trying to get at in my previous two posts. I feel like I'm constantly quoting others, but I don't pretend to have words for all that I feel, and sometimes others say it so well that I couldn't say it better if I tried. This woman was writing about being in the hospital for 10 weeks while she was pregnant with her twins. This was her second pregnancy, and after losing the first to miscarriage, these were her feelings while in that hospital for all that time:

"I believed in Him. The whole story. I loved Him fully, but I learned to keep Him at arm's length in the event that He let me down. I hate that part of the story, and if I could do it over...well, I can't. I just have to know that He pursued me even when I acted like a jilted bride. He wanted me when I didn't want Him. He taught me about Himself, even as I resisted loving Him back. I am forever grateful for the tenderness He showed me during that time, and the grace He showed me when I came running back with remorse in my heart." (Here's her original post. Truly an amazing woman with a wonderful story of God's faithfulness in the midst of some unimaginable circumstances).

That's where the hope comes in. Belief is one step; trust is another, slightly more difficult step, and then hope is the ultimate in letting go and giving your life, your situation, your problems, your joys to God. I feel like I stand on the edge, believing and trusting, but only opening the door to hope a teeny bit. I don't mean that to say that I don't already love this baby or that I don't hope for good things for this child, for Caroline, or for Jeff and me, because "I certainly do!" is the answer to all of those. Maybe I'll find a quote someone else that puts words to it better than I can, but for now at least, it feels like my hope is a little garden with walls around it (I keep picturing The Secret Garden); it's not quite public and ready to open the hope up to the world, but in a small way it's there.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me"

Grace and peace.